Surrendering to it All
I recently read some words on a Facebook page that said something like, "Often your dharma can be found IN your pain." Those words really struck a chord with me, although I didn't quite know why. So I let them sit with me and allowed the message in those words to come to the surface in time. I have learned that resonance with something always comes with a purpose, message or insight ... and I have learned to listen to that feeling of resonance in order to hear what is trying to reach me.
The message for me became clear as I allowed these words, and the anguish that I was feeling at the time, to sink in, literally. I was opened up to the understanding that it has always been at the times in my life that I felt completely broken, lost, scared, uncertain, sad, alone and at the end of my rope that I also felt the most peace, if I allowed myself to go there. And it is often only when I am at "that point" that it is easy to "go there" as there doesn't seem to be anywhere else to go or anything else to do, so I wave the white flag, surrender and "let go".
When I get to this place, having let go INTO my pain, circumstances, situation or whatever it may be that is overwhelming me and pushing me to my breaking point, I drop into my true self, the self that at the depths of my being I truly am, apart from all of the external world. And in that place, I find peace and solace and feel like I never want to leave. As a child, I think I instinctively knew that this was my wonderfully safe and wise inner place that I so connected to and wanted to spend a large amount of time being in the presence of. Yet being coined as shy and having this type of introverted demeanor shamed, I had closed this portal to my true self off.
I believe most of us do. Until we get to points in our life that we have nowhere else to go or turn to except to the point of resignation, release and surrender. At this point we are able to return to our true selves, connecting with who we really are. If you have been here, you will know what I am talking about. If not, I encourage you, the next time your life gets to "that point", to surrender, release, loosen your grip and pay attention ... you will open yourself up to YOU.
For the past few days, ever since being confronted with a recurring financially challenging situation that triggers me into a state of panic and inner turmoil, I have been filled with fear, overwhelm and feelings of being very alone. Waking up this morning to that common feeling of internal dread, I surrendered ... I had no choice because I had gotten to "that point".
And when I did, I was given a gift ... a gift of remembering who I am and what my dharma, my essence, is. I noticed beautiful and heartwarming videos about a kind soul who bought a homeless man lunch at a drive thru restaurant, bringing this man to tears of gratitude. I noticed another video that depicted a variety of animals loving and hugging the humans in their lives. I noticed my own pets and how connected on a soul level I am to them. I noticed the beautiful flowers in my garden that speak to my heart. I remembered the connection I feel looking into the huge, brown eyes of Haitian child who has no food to eat or shoes to put on his feet. I could hear the voice of one of my dear friends who passed away from an accidental overdose last year, encouraging me to stay strong and letting me know that she is with me. I could hear the whispers of my own heart drawing me into a compassionate embrace.
I reconnected with that part of me that no external challenge can ever take away. The part of me that knows who I am and reminds me why I am here. The part of me that is my dharma, my true place in the cosmic process, my intrinsic nature. It is from this place that my greatest strength lies for this is the place where my true self lives ... and where my true self lives is where all of the answers are, answers found without even asking any questions.